my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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