first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
