Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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