I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
