i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
