my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
