I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
