I want to have your abortion
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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