I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i think my tv is drunk
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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