morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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