i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I am available for nakedness
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
