party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
