Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
