He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
