We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
