The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
