Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
