you thought your balls were fighting each other...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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