I can text with my tongue
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
