I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
