he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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