textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
