i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
