if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
