sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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