are you still at the devil's house?
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
