Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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