i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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