Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
