a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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