he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
