No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
