the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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