You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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