if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
and she was petting her beer can
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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