It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
