Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
