I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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