I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
