Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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