i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
