Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
