I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
