Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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