Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
