I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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