Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
