He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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