Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
