im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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