My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
