I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
