i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
