he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
