She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
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Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
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These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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