The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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