i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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