At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
