I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
