Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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