She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
