flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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