I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
