Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
