Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
only you would photoshop your dick
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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