Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
